The one where I analyse life as it is and as it will be

My husband and I aren’t really your typical Christian couple. I can choose my words wisely to make it sound like we are. But we aren’t, really. We don’t fit into the prototype.

When I was a teenager, I had this picture in my head of what I would be like as a young married adult. I imagined that my husband and I would be involved in my church’s youth group, and that we’d be inspiring and welcoming. I imagined that we’d be musical, and lead a small group. I imagined that we’d be the couple that people came to for prayer. I imagined that we’d have fairly set careers. I imagined that we’d talk about fostering children once our own had grown up. I imagined that we’d be older (I thought I’d get married in my mid-20s, not when I was 21). I imagined that I would blossom into this confident, stunning young woman, and that we would live in the city.

But we are 23 together this month (my birthday is on the 31st January, his is the 1st of March). While we’re heading towards being fairly set in our careers, at the moment we’re a crazy mesh of figuring it out. We aren’t musical and our church is too new to have really developed a solid youth group. We’ve discussed with friends starting up a young marrieds small group, but haven’t gotten around to it. I’m still painfully shy and a little awkward. My husband is the quintessential Kiwi bloke. We aren’t going anywhere near the city. I dont like to pray infront of other people, so while I do pray for them, they hardly ever know about it. We foster children now, and don’t have any of our own yet.

My husband is sitting on the couch as I type this, and he’s asked several times what I’m writing about. I keep replying that I don’t know, and that’s the truth. It will be a wonderful adventure to see where I’m going with this.

My life isn’t turning out the way Young Courtney thought it would. It’s wonderful and rich, but I just don’t have it as together as I would have thought.

It makes me wonder how it will go from here. When I think of us in 10 years time, I imagine people saying “He’s a paramedic, and she’s a children’s counsellor, and they have four foster children as well as their own three!” Doesn’t that sound impressive? I imagine that we’ll run a ministry for families that includes father and son camps and mother and daughter retreats. I imagine that our children will be wonderfully talented. I imagine that I’ll be a condident, stunning woman of God. I imagine that we’ll be inspiring. I still imagine that we’ll be the couple people come to for prayer.

So  far, my life has more or less followed the path I expected it to take. I’m curious to see where God will take me from here.

I get worried that I’m running out of time. I would like to have children soon, but I’m aware when we do, this full speed ahead thing we’ve been on will come to a halt, and that scares me. I have all these things I want to do by the time I’m 30, it’s almost as if I think that my life will stop at 30 and I’ll just start to exist instead of living. My head knows this is not the case, and my hope is that my heart realises this before it’s too late.

What I now know about life… (Part 4)

For the past few days, I’ve been going through the major life lessons I have learnt while working in full time ministry for the last three years. My job has been to “follow up” the children and young people who attend our events, with particular focus on those who become Christians or make other big life changes/decisions. You can find the past three lessons here, here and here.

The final lesson that I will share is this:

It is better to be rewarded in Heaven then on earth.

One crazy thing I’ve noticed about our society is that we reward stress. We all want so desperately to feel significant, and to feel like we’ve made a contribution. I see so many people working themselves dead trying to prove that they matter, that their contribution matters. Then they complain about how stressed out they are, how hard they’ve been working. They play the matyr role.

I prefer to be a “human being” rather then a “human machine” (unlike my husband, who has definite machine status), so I am not inclined to stress. But over the past three years, there have been times where I’ve been grumpy, short, and talked all about how oh-so-stressed I am, how many hours I’ve worked, how much I’ve had to get done, etc. And it’s not like I am consciously seeking for affirmation that my contribution matters, but after watching people and reflecting on my own life for some time, I’ve found that this is what I, and others, are doing subconsciously.

In the Matthew chapter 6, Jesus issues a warning around how we should pray, fast and give. He tells us that we should not announce it with trumpets, stand where we can be seen by all and change our appearance so that everyone can see. As harsh as it can be to hear sometimes, He tells us that the people who do that have already recieved their reward in full.

This makes me sad, that so many times I have let my pride seek out an earthly reward, at the expense of one in Heaven.

So, the time I gave food to a homeless person, and then bragged about it and only got “That’s really cool” as a reaction, well, I wasted my reward on that one.

The time I went on and on about how tired I was after working a 100 week and just got a few looks of amazement for a couple of seconds, that reward was wasted too.

The time I joked about how little we earn working in ministry, secretly trying to show how good we are for it, and the person didn’t give it a second thought, that was another reward gone.

I didn’t really get much of a reward for all my hard work any of those times, did I?

This last lesson is not something that I have seen in full yet. But the Bible tells us that no mind has concieved what God has prepared for those who love Him, so I trust that the reward I receive for all the times I give with humility is going to be far above what I’ll ever receive here on earth. So I resolve to stop seeking out earthly rewards, and start focusing on the Heavenly reward that is to come.

“Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.”
Matthew 6:4b

What I now know about life… (Part 3)

I hadn’t anticipated how good it would be for me to write about what I’ve learnt in the past three years.

To recap, so far I have talked about the specific gifts God has given me, and humility. Now, for Part 3…

God’s strength is made perfect in weakness.

This has been most evident in my involvement in an annual youth event that draws a crowd of 400 or so.  The great thing about this event is the number of young people who come to know Jesus as their Saviour through it – it’s been running for longer then I’ve been alive, and it is astounding how many stories come out of people first becoming Christians at this event. The not-so-great thing about it is that, as part of my job, I have to get up infront of those 400 teenagers and, pretty much, ask them for money.

Telling people that your cause is a worthy cause that they should get excited about and give to is hard enough. But remember in Part 1 of this series, where I alluded to the fact that I don’t really do public speaking? Well, what I meant was that when I first became involved in the leadership side of this ministry, I refused to talk into a microphone. Everyone else would jump up and introduce themselves, and then someone would go “…and this is Courtney” and I’d wave a little and die inside with everyone watching me.

So, the first year, no one had really mentioned it to me until the day, when someone casually said “So, are you all set to talk about the ministry you guys do and take up the offering?” ….Uh, no. I am not. I tried to be all set, I really did. But I could not do it. Thankfully my friend, Heidi, knows me so well, and she asked if I wanted her to do the talk that year. She is amazing, seriously. We decided that my goal would be to do it next year.

Well, the next year came around faster then I expected it to. It was like I blinked, and then it was time for me to get up infront of all those teenagers and speak into a microphone in front of them. I was so nervous I could barely talk beforehand (people later admitted wondering if I’d do okay and praying furiously about it). Heidi and I went over my notes and then she prayed with me right before we went into the auditorium. Then I went backstage, and I was on my own. The tech guys and the MC were all so casual about it, which I just couldn’t believe. Obviously they hadn’t seen me try to speak just 10 minutes earlier and almost burst into tears. I had 3 minutes, and they would also be playing a highlights DVD of the kids on silent behind me. When I got on stage, I could hardly see anyone, and my heart was beating so loudly that I couldn’t hear them either. I remember saying something along the lines of “You’re not going to believe it, but this event isn’t the only thing we do here” and hearing someone fake gasp, and so I fake gasped back and said “I know!” and then everyone laughed. I relaxed a little after that (because, you know, they got my joke), but every now and then I’d get a little flustered. Halfway through, I mentioned the DVD and so turned around to look at it and saw myself, and I said “Hey! That’s me!” and got distracted for a bit watching it. Then a bit later I noticed that the giant number that I’d seen earlier had said “3″ but now said “0.30″ and I realised that it was timing me, and I said “Oh, I think I only have 30 seconds left!” When I finished, I practically ran off stage. The speaker, who was standing back stage waiting to go on, said “Well done! And that timer thing freaks me out too.” So, I did it! And then I walked back into the audience and started to cry from relief.

The next year. Oh my goodness, you don’t even know. I was all good. This time, my slot was slightly later, and Heidi and I went up together, but were “interviewed” seperately by one of the MCs. Which meant that I was up there for longer (about 10 minutes), but at least I wasn’t alone. For the first part, while Heidi was being “interviewed” about her role within the ministry and how others could get involved, I just sat and looked pretty. I played with my hair and spun around on the chair* (yep, got distracted…), and laughed at all the jokes.  When I was being “interviewed,” I got so excited about my job that I barely noticed I was speaking infront of 400 teenagers.

Because, you see, the important thing wasn’t that I was on stage, the important thing was the work God was doing, and would continue to do.

Afterwards, many of the youth leaders who had been both years encouraged me about it. But the one that sticks out to me came from the speaker for that year, who had been at the event with his youth group the year before. He came up to me and said “I want to tell you a story. Last year, a young woman got up in front of us and said ‘I hate public speaking, but please bear with me because I want to talk to you about something close to my heart’ and she did well, though she was obviously nervous. This year, a young woman got up on stage to talk about the same thing, but she spoke about it with confidence and passion.” And then, he said to me “That young woman, both times, was you. It is unbelievable how much you’ve grown.”

What was the different between those three seperate occasions? I think that God had taken me on a journey that was bigger then I’d realised. Not only had He grown me in my confidence, but He’d taught me that what I couldn’t do, He could do through me.  

The first year, I had simply said “I can’t do it.” The second year, I had prayed for strength, but hadn’t really learnt how to trust Him yet. At some time between the second and third year, I think that God had taught me that He was in control, and that He wasn’t going to let me stuff it up if I stood aside and let Him do His work through me.

I may be weak in public speaking, or in many other areas. But if there is a job to be done, and God has decided that I’m the one to do it, He will use my weakness to show His strength.  Hopefully, I will remember this, and continue to learn it more fully.

“But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”
2 Corinthians 12:9

*That rhymed. I’m a poet and I didn’t even realise

What I now know about life… (Part 2)

For the next few days, I will be going through some of the major life lessons I learnt while working in full time ministry for three years. You can find Part 1 here

Now, for Part 2:

It’s not all about me.

This was a big lesson, and one that I learnt over and over again.

As humans, we so desperately want to feel significant. We want our hard work to be acknowledged, we want people to admire and respect us, we want to feel important. Our pride doesn’t like the hard hit it takes when we feel insignificant.

Working in ministry is often a very thankless job. So often I haven’t gotten the recognition that I’ve thought I deserved. I haven’t felt thanked. I haven’t felt significant. I haven’t felt encouraged. I haven’t felt like I’ve been rewarded for my hard work (more on this one soon). And so I’ve found myself at times fighting to feel significant, getting stroppy, trying to make people see how hard I work and how amazing I am.

But it never turns out the way I want it to.

Why?

Because it’s not all about me.

I didn’t start working here because I wanted to be glorified. I started working here because I wanted God to be glorified through my life. Unfortunately there have been times where, in the craziness of life in ministry, I have forgotten this and started working for the earthly gain of pride.

God has taught me over and over again about humility. There have been times where I have been so wounded by being over-looked or pushed aside, that I have said “No, God, please don’t teach me humility again. I’ve had enough of humility, I can’t take any more lessons on this.” But then He always reminds me that I am a work in process and then – if that’s not enough – that He humbled Himself for me. Jesus, who was there when the universe was created, put on the skin of a human being and humbled Himself first through His life and then through His death, so that God would be glorified and we would be saved. If He isn’t above being humbled for God’s glory, then why should I expect that I am?

“Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time.”
1 Peter 5:6

What I now know about life… (Part 1)

I realised shortly after writing about 2011, that something big did happen this year. I resigned from my job*.

For the last three years, I’ve been doing potentially the coolest job in the world. Basically, it has been my job to provide support for children and young people who come to know Christ as their Saviour. It feels really weird to think that in a few weeks, this won’t be my job anymore. I will miss it. But I know that it’s time, and that not only am I moving on to an awesome new adventure, but God has the most amazing young woman taking my place (true story, when praying about leaving, I felt like this particular person needing a job in 2012 was one of the many confirmations that it was time for me to move on, and this was months before I’d even spoken to her about applying for the job – and now she’s got it!).

I have learnt a lot over my time working here. Looking back, I can see that it was no mistake for me to have spent the last three years here. God has taken me further then I ever thought I would go.

I feel like I need to share the things that I have learnt. So here is the first:

I am who God has created me to be, and no one else.   

During my time here, I have learnt the importance of working from my giftings. I am not loud. I am not outgoing. I am not organised. I’m introverted, sensitive, and laid back (I’ll admit it, even a little lazy at times). I have struggled a lot, because I didn’t fit into my ideal of what someone working in Christian ministry should be. I thought I needed to be crazy, excited, emotional. But I am none of these things. And that’s okay.

I can not get up the front and jump around and hype the kids up. I have a friend who is exceptional at this – she even gets me all hyped up when she’s up the front! If I got up and starting jumping around and shouting like she does, the kids would block their ears and look at me like I was a psycho, because they could tell it was fake. I’m not like this friend. But I am calm. I can bring children back down from the hype.

I can not just strike up a conversation with anyone, anywhere. So many of my closest friends have this gifting. My husband is amazing at it. I’m not, I need the other person to carry the conversation for me. Put me next to another shy person, and you can guarantee a very awkward evening. But for some reason shy children are drawn to me, and I’m not shy around them. If I were loud, I may not have been able to have the many awesome conversations I have had with children who have opened up to me because I’m not threatening.

I can not organise things, or people. When I lead a group for something, it is done in a very laid back style that makes the others take responsibility, too. While I’m sure this annoys some people, I’ve heard it is good for others. Which works well for me, because I get very overwhelmed when I try to lead from the front (rather then beside).

I’m not good at running around and playing crazy games. I like to sit down and talk.

I’m not good at speaking in front of large groups of people. I like to pray for them.

I’m not good at following to-do lists, or any other normal organisational stuff. I have my own structure, and I work well with that, regardless of whether others see the pattern.

And that’s all okay.

God has given everyone specific giftings that are to be used to further His kingdom. You have the specific gifts that you have because they’ll be useful in the plan God has for your life. I’ve learnt that if I try to be anything other then what God has created me to be, I might not be able to fully do the work that God has for me.

Each of you has been blessed with one of God’s many wonderful gifts to be used in the service of others. So use your gift well.
1 Peter 4:10 (CEV version)

*It’s not that weird that I forgot about this, I quite often forget about important things that are happening in my life at times when it would be appropriate to bring it up (for example, I went to school one day and was like “Oh yeah, by the way everyone, I have a tumour in my inner-ear, and am going into hospital tomorrow”).

2011

It seems fashionable to blog about 2011 in review. Because I’m all about following the trends (…), I decided I would too.

I think that 2011 was the best year of my life so far.

I completed the first year of my marriage to the most amazing man in the world, saw my best friend get married and attended some of the coolest weddings ever.

I got glasses, because it turns out I’m short-sighted.

I went to Melbourne for two weeks with some of my amazing friends, and without my husband. When I got home, everyone kept saying to me “Angus missed you so much, he was lost without you,” which is not what I expected to happen.

I faced some fears, but did not overcome them yet. I’m mostly still terrified of heights.

I played and laughed and slid down a slide made of kiwifruit.

I was in a building when it got struck by lightening. And I did two McDonalds fasts. I’m still addicted to it.

I quoted viral YouTube videos relentlessly. I know all the words to Friday, by Rebecca Black, by heart.

I talked to children and young people about life, pain and God’s love for them. I put Bibles into the hands of those who didn’t have one.

I discovered discalculia, and a whole lot of things made a whole lot of sense.

I laughed so hard my stomach hurt.

2011 wasn’t a big year. But I feel that I am more myself now then I was at the beginning of the year. I have come into me. 2011 was wild, and it was precious.

The first year was like icing

To celebrate our first anniversary, we enjoyed life.

On Saturday, the day before our anniversary, we were meant to clean our house. We didn’t.

On Sunday (our anniversary), it was raining. He gave me a piece of 1930s French costume jewellery, a jade and pearl necklace from an antique store in Cambridge. We went out to brunch at this place (The Plantation, in Matamata):

We sat upstairs, with no one else, and he finished my food while I pretended we were rich people in our home a hundred years ago. We got McDonalds for lunch, and made pizza for dinner, and then I got all dressed down and helped him paint his ute.

On Monday, I went to high tea with the other dance teachers, and he spent all day in the workshop.

On Tuesday, we went to Rotorua and went on the luge. He went slow with me the first time down, while I went as fast as I could handle. Then he found people to race down the next two times. I got so scared on the chairlift, that I almost threw up. We went to Wild Rice, which is possibly the best Thai restaurant ever, for dinner.

On Wednesday, we went to Papamoa for the night, at Pacific Park Christian Holiday Camp. We went to the beach, and then went to the movies. On the way home, on Thursday morning, we stopped for breakfast on the top of the Kaimais.

On Thursday, we finally got around to cleaning our house. I also went through my clothes, and got rid of three plastic bags worth, as well as a massive bag of shoes. I couldn’t believe I was doing it, but I actually asked Angus to go through my shoes for me. I only took back two pairs. It actually feels really good. We then went to stay with his grandparents for two nights.

Christmas, I think, will always be a bit of a jolt out of the lovey-dovey week before it. Even when we can only fit in dinner for our anniversary, I hope that whole week still has that peaceful, romantic, honeymoon feel.

I made him a stocking for Christmas, because in theory last year was his last time to get one from his Mum. I love making stockings. I think this will be a tradition.

On Boxing Day, we went to the lake with his whole family, and I got really bad sun burn. So bad, in fact, that I lay under a cold towel when we got home.

And we didn’t take any photos.

I have loved this year. He’s so solid. He makes me feel so secure. I love being married to him, my strong, amazing man.

The world is too full to talk about

Back in July, I went to the fish and chip shop with my husband, my brother-in-law, and two of my friends. We laughed a lot.

I forgot about it until now, when I came across the photos. It’s amazing how much of the little stuff in life we let fly by without a second thought.

 

 

 

It was very windy, being the middle of winter, and the tables and chairs all blew away, so we ran out to save them.

 

Guess which one is my husband… Tricky, right?

 

 

That one is my husband!

It was a fun night. And remembering it makes me very glad that I live in the community that I live in, with so many amazing people to share life with.

“Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. “Pooh?” he whispered.
“Yes, Piglet?”
“Nothing,” said Piglet, taking Pooh’s hand. “I just wanted to be sure of you.”
― A.A. Milne (Winnie the Pooh)

Once upon a time…

My husband and I met when I was fifteen and he was sixteen while leading at a Christian children’s camp. It was at this camp that I’d become a Christian when I was 9 years old, and I’d been to almost every Kids Camp since then. My husband used to go to Family Camp with his family, and it was there that the person running Kids Camp at the time suggested he come and lead.

He wasn’t anything like the boys I usually hung out with. He was innocent, but not in a childish way. More in a purposeful way, as if he’d guarded his heart against the things of this world. He carried himself with the maturity of someone years older. The boys in his cabin always adored him. We both used to go to the “Chat Room” after devotions - a place where the kids could go to ask questions – and we’d smile at each other across the room, both of us thriving off talking to children about God. One time, I got to sit next to him on the bus on the way home, and my heart was beating so loud I was sure he could hear it.  My journal from this time is filled with the hope of marrying someone like him – it never occured to me that I would actually get to marry him.

Several years later, when we first started courting, I found out that he liked me too, all that time. In fact, the time we sat next to each other on the bus? It was no accident.

He finished school and got a job working on a dairy farm, and so stopped coming to Kids Camp and we lost touch. Two months after I finished school, just before I started university, I got a new cell phone and so sent out a group text letting everyone know my new cell phone number. He replied, and from there we started talking again. His birthday was coming up, and he was having a barbeque, which he invited me to go to. I desperately wanted to go, but I lived two hours away and couldn’t drive. No problem. He called his ex-girlfriend and asked if she would take me to the barbeque. I stayed the night (not like that!) and he drove me back up in the morning, because he was having lunch with his grandparents (his family live in the same area as I did at the time). He was meant to just drop me off at church, but stayed, and then asked me if I wanted to go to his grandparents’ house with him.

Now, when I go to my grandparents’ house for lunch, it’s usually just my grandparents and maybe my parents. Apparently not so with his family. My husband is the oldest of six siblings. His mum is the oldest of six siblings. All but one of her siblings have four children, the youngest one has two toddlers. Everyone in his extended family was there for lunch, apart from the youngest aunty and her husband and children. We turned up at his grandparents’ house, and all 20-odd grandchildren were at the door, waiting to meet the girl with Angus. I’m extremely shy and very introverted. It was a bit awkward, to say the least.

That evening, we went to the church he’d gone to when he was still living at home. Everyone wanted to talk to him, because he hadn’t been in ages. But thankfully I knew several people there, including his sister, who I was friends with seperately to him (we’d met at youth group a few years before).  After church, we went and sat on the beach and talked for ages. Eventually, I asked him what was up between us, and he said “I don’t know, I was just about to ask the same thing… Do you want a boyfriend?” I replied “Yeah, I guess so. Do you want a girlfriend?” to which he said “Yeah”

And then he kissed me.

“Remember tonight… for it is the beginning of always”

- Dante Alighieri

I have made my life of something particular, and real

Friday night was one of those nights, where life seems particularly purposeful and wonderful and enjoyable.

Several husbands from church (including mine) decided they wanted to go out to the Indian restaurant for dinner. One of our friends, Anneke, is single (she’s only 19), and she was adamantly against being the ninth wheel. There were several Bible college students at church that night, some of whom had only just recently arrived in New Zealand. So what could the husbands do but invite the six male, single Bible college students along? What followed was a wonderful evening of “The Bachelorette” complete with roses (though none were ever given out). The night didn’t want to end there, so we invited the guys back for a bonfire, complete with marshmallows. We spent time talking and laughing, and then each shared a bit about how we ended up either at Bible college or working at the ministry I/we work at.

It reminded me that life is so daily. It was a night that easily could have been missed if we weren’t paying enough attention. I don’t want to get so caught up in my plans for the future that I forget to slow down and roast some marshmallows.

 

Life is but a breath. Selah.