I’ve been hesitant about posting this publically, but I have decided to for two reasons. First, because I’m going to ask you to pray for me. And second, because I know that if I put this out there, I’ll be kept accountable.
I am struggling.
For those who don’t know, I spent a good part of my teenage years in therapy for an eating disorder. God did amazing things in my life, and I consider myself not caught in the grips of an eating disorder anymore. But lately, I can see that it is coming back to bite me, and I can see that I am in danger of becoming very unhealthy again.
It all started when I grew out of my denim shorts. I am a healthy weight, I have been for about the past three years. But at 23 years old, my body has been changing and my metabolism isn’t what it used to me, so I’ve gotten a bit curvier. I pretended this didn’t bother me, and I mentioned it to almost everyone I spoke to as if it was funny. But if I’m honest, telling everyone was more of a defence mechanism then anything – like “I know I’m getting fatter, so what?” It’s actually driving me crazy.
I can see myself slipping further and further into disordered eating and unhealthy thought patterns everyday. I am really, really struggling with this. I feel in despair of how “big” I am getting, and even though I know that I am healthy and that I look wonderful, I can’t stop obsessing over my weight and size.
Do you know that I still try on my denim shorts, just to see how much smaller I’m getting?
I know this is not healthy.
Please, if you are inclined to pray, pray for me. Please, loved ones, if you catch me talking about my body, call me out on it. I will be fine, but I need help to get back to that healthy place I was in before.