The one where I talk about my eating problems

I’ve been hesitant about posting this publically, but I have decided to for two reasons. First, because I’m going to ask you to pray for me. And second, because I know that if I put this out there, I’ll be kept accountable.

I am struggling.

For those who don’t know, I spent a good part of my teenage years in therapy for an eating disorder. God did amazing things in my life, and I consider myself not caught in the grips of an eating disorder anymore. But lately, I can see that it is coming back to bite me, and I can see that I am in danger of becoming very unhealthy again.

It all started when I grew out of my denim shorts. I am a healthy weight,  I have been for about the past three years. But at 23 years old, my body has been changing and my metabolism isn’t what it used to me, so I’ve gotten a bit curvier. I pretended this didn’t bother me, and I mentioned it to almost everyone I spoke to as if it was funny. But if I’m honest, telling everyone was more of a defence mechanism then anything – like “I know I’m getting fatter, so what?” It’s actually driving me crazy.

I can see myself slipping further and further into disordered eating and unhealthy thought patterns everyday. I am really, really struggling with this. I feel in despair of how “big” I am getting, and even though I know that I am healthy and that I look wonderful, I can’t stop obsessing over my weight and size.

Do you know that I still try on my denim shorts, just to see how much smaller I’m getting?

I know this is not healthy.

Please, if you are inclined to pray, pray for me. Please, loved ones, if you catch me talking about my body, call me out on it. I will be fine, but I need help to get back to that healthy place I was in before.

Thank you.

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4 thoughts on “The one where I talk about my eating problems

  1. It’s a very good thing that you’re being honest about this–with your readers, but more importantly with yourself. Even if you haven’t been engaging in disordered behaviors recently, the tendency to fall into those patterns will probably always stay with you, and being vigilant and honest is the best way to protect yourself from backsliding.

    Thinking of you. <3

  2. Courtney! I want you to know that Jesus seeing you and delights in who you are and what you look like. You have been called beautiful in His sight because you are fearfully and wonderfully made. Walk in that and every morning wake up and speak those words out load over yourself. Psalm 139, praying for you! -Victoria

  3. Courtney~ I appreciate your courage and honesty. I know how flippin’ hard that is, believe me I know. I also know that nothing we say will change how your heart is feeling, but if you can hang onto Truth. If you want I have a whole bunch of scriptures and Truth that helps me to fight my own eating battles. I am also struggling at the moment…how about this, we both hold each other accountable? I will pray for you Courtney with all of my heart, you can beat this….
    Love and Stars

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